My friend Catherine told me about this book called Boundaries that she ended up buying me so I will read it :)
It is going to take me a while to read this book, not because I am a slow reader (which I am) but because there is so many phrases that speak to me.
I am a people-pleaser and this book helps me wrap my mind around how what I do to be "nice" to others is not "nice" at all.
The first chapter takes you through a day in a boundaryless life- it is exhausting reading it, this lady does everything for everyone, and what she can do to not have confrontation, and always says yes when asked to help out people at work finish their tasks, and always is the listener when her friends have a hard day.
I am learning that saying yes and just trying to "help" can actually be destructive!
I have never noticed that before!
I need to set up boundaries- like fences around someone's yard, it helps me figure out what I am responsible for, and what I am not.
One boundary is the word "no".
The book says that people who don't have good boundaries struggle with saying no because they don't want to hurt the relationship they have with that person. .. that they passively comply but inwardly resent.
Oh man is this true for me. I do lots for people, but then I resent them for asking, or for not doing it themselves, but that hurts me and whatever it is I said yes to, certainly is not done with love.
So what am I doing to help myself with all of the above?
1) taking time off from people who I have neg. feelings for. (people I say yes to because I need to set up a boundary before I can start saying no.)
I do believe that you teach people how to treat you, and since people are going to start hearing no from me, that is going to be hard for both of us.
2)learn to say no- and not feel like that person will like me any less
3) Be open with my friends and have them keep me accountable. I have a few friends who are also like me and it has been so great to work through things together!
On page 43 of 302- I have a lot more learning to do :)
2 comments:
Well said Julie! I totally get you on this and I am learning the same things you are. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. You are wonderful!
Yes you are!
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